Buddhists Do Scratch Their Heads Too

Dealing with my dumb boss is tantamount to having someone wring and twist my heart like a wet towel. It feels weird that my heart has to be distorted like this since i'm not a towel nor my heart is and we're not even wet.

Last week I heard my colleague complained about our boss' reluctance to discuss my job turnover process. He is still not in the mood and is pushing us away like dandruff flakes under his collar. I don't know why he is not in the mood but I barely have two weeks left. I don't mind waiting. I can file my nails and carve my sweet name on the desk while I kill time but my last day won't wait for me. My last day is July 8 and he says he's not in the mood.

On my last week here, I am going to tell him with my eyes closed and my hands in high-five, "I'm sorry I'm not in the mood to discuss turnover." I can dust him off like dandruff too. Let's see who's the real master of mood-swing here.

My heart shape went even worse when I checked my inbox and found an email sent by another colleague entitled "Breastfeed or Bottlefeed". Sometimes, life leaves you no choice, does it? Naturally, between an email about breastfeeding and an email that contains stupid questions from my boss who's either not in the mood or asking stupid questions, I opted to entertain stupid questions.

Life is sad, I know. But that's how it is. There I was on a dewy thursday morning, typing busily in front of the computer, almost crying my eyes out and explaining in email why I could not finish my assignment which he queued up for me until july 28 when he knew from the start that my last day was july 8. If you don't consider that kind of inquiry stupid, then I don't know what stupid is. Winnie the pooh is smarter than him.

This is blood-suckingly depressing - the twisting of my heart. I'm quite positive my heart is now just 2/3 its original size and isn't it scary knowing that your heart is slowly reducing to nothing? I don't mind if the size that is reducing is my waistline everytime I'm to deal with breastfeed emails and dumb boss. Yet it's my heart that's at stake. I need to stop this.

Sometimes I really wish I could just bring a giant fork at work and stab my dumb boss everytime he asks stupid questions. I bet by the end of this day, he'll be drowning in his own blood. And if the management asked who killed the boss, I'll simply point my fingers to the colleague who sent the breastfeed email. Fair enough, right?

Do you have someone in mind who makes your heart smaller? I might be helpful. I can loan you my giant fork after i'm done with mine.

PS. I have a feeling you all think my artwork is 'ugly-baby-don't-know-what-to-say' kind of cute. Doesn't matter as long as it's cute to me.

You know you're a loser when the number of meme you're expected to do is starting to outnumber the number of the phone calls your receive everyday. Apart from Marchal and Gaston who think I have a lot of free time to count movie tagged me previously, Butterflylane almost shook my nerves the other day by tagging me with a book meme. I don't think I'll be able to answer the questions as diligently as I want to as I'm in a hate-the-world-no-to-math mode....

What is the total number of books you own?
There is something very wrong with this question. I don't know what the interviewer was thinking when he formed this question but he probably was put under pressure by his mom as a child to perfect his math exams hence the forward-my-misery syndrome count-your-books project.

Firstly, who cares about the number of books I own? Secondly, even if I care, I am too busy counting the number of Audio CDs I have in my rather hyperventilating dread of a potential music meme in the  future.

Really, I don't even know the number of my panties hidden inside my closet although I suspect there are about 4 of them rotating. bwahahah. However, I'm pretty sure that my books exceeds the number of my panties. That being said, what I can give is a formula that you can play around.

What is the last book you bought?

Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood

Five books that mean a lot to you almost kill you ?
There are so many books that mean a lot to me. Some of them are the books I dropped on the toilet bowl while I pooped as a teenager hence the special meaning and some of them are books that completely changed my outlook in life.

But I don't wish to talk about how some books changed my life when there are much more meaningful and heart-wrenching books that almost pushed me to bang my head on the wall for wasting my money over them.

	I seriously don't understand what makes this book a best seller? it's full of crap and drama and what's so good about reading a dead girl's story if you the reader is obviously alive and kicking and why do you need to know what's inside a dead girl's mind if you can't even decipher clearly what's inside your mind? What is so lovely with her bones? She was raped and killed and you think that's lovely? It could be scary bones or lonely bones but not lovely. but if you're going to ask me, I like boring bones much better.
	I have two copies of this book given by two different people and if these two people were not my friends at all, I'd probably be stomping at their doorsteps now and throw the books flat on their face. I scanned through the first few chapters and stopped after chapter 4 because all I could remember reading was God. Your purpose is God. Your way is God. Your sufferings are God's gift to us. If I ever met the author in person and asked him what he took for lunch, I am afraid he's going to tell me god also. We are just God's hobby. He's probably just experimenting how to create the perfect toy up there in his kingdom. If he isn't happy with the way we look, he throws us down here in this shitty world to muck and suffer and this book is telling me that i should be thankful for that? God your ass.
	This is the lamest book I ever read. I can't remember reading any stuff more insipid than this book. It's lamer than me and if something is lamer than me, then it's scary.

1. Do Not Expect

I don't claim to be an expert. I don't know what it's like to be dating someone you fancy. I know however that once you start expecting your blind date to be anything near Keanu and you've gotten Keanu's butt instead, two things could happen.

Either you want to kill yourself with a phone cord or you want to kill your friend for putting you up on this. You'd start to wonder what's the problem with you or what's the problem of your friend with you and the more you think of it, the more it gets depressing, the more you want to do something damaging.

In my case I'm not sure which of the above misery I felt but I want to do both - kill myself and kill my friend. No, I don't just want to terminate the friendship with DD. I want to kill him using the phone cord together with me. Never mind that he's my crush. We can go to hell together. There we could make big talks.


2. Do Not Listen to your Friend's Advice

Friends are crazy. They say the craziest advice and will make you look crazy too. If your hair-spa obssessed friend tells you, "oh milktea you should go get a hair spa for your blind date. Make yourself pretty. Make those frizzy hair go away." Don't listen.

You don't have any idea what kind of a guy you're about to go out with and what if he turns out to be a monkey (not a human being at all)? What's the use of fixing your hair and putting up blush and making all those hair frizz go away?

A monkey will never find a shampoo-ad hair attractive just as you will never learn how to reformat your brother's PC. Ever. You don't want to be donning a shampoo-ad hair with someone who might just mess up and smudge it with rotten bananas, do you?

Point is, be decent enough to look like a girl but don't overkill. In case you suddenly need to morph into a monkey, have the courtesy to be one and it's a lot easier with a messy hair. Anticipation is the key.
 


3. Be Interested

I am sorry that I have to yawn everytime the blind date starts talking about himself and I'm sorry much more that my eyes only lit up everytime he starts talking about DD.

My date told me DD described me as cute and my heart danced crazy hip-hop out of joy. Much crazier than the times DD would greet me and ask the whereabouts of my jacket. The thought of DD thinks i'm cute is exhilarating. My only hope is the cuteness DD was pertaining to wasn't  "ugly but pleasant to look at" kind of cute.

Some people say cute only when they can't find anything good to say. I know it especially when colleagues of mine would proudly share me the baby pictures of their first born, I always catch myself being speechless and dumbstruck.

What do I say to a parent of a baby that looks like a sleeping and hairless tomato? Would it make my colleague mad if I say would your baby turn into a large tomato someday or would it be safer to say oh how cute your baby is even if I didn't mean to?

I know the latter is safer that's why I always say "how cute!" everytime I'm to look at a set of baby pictures. Anybody who shares pictures to me I'd say how cute how cute how cute your baby is. One time somebody passed a picture of their dead doggy to me and I also said how cute.

I hope DD didn't mean my cuteness to be like that. I hope it was more like she's cute. she's lovely. she's got a cute blog too but I couldn't date her because i'm married so I'll set her up with my brother. that kind of cuteness is much much better.

See, I just made a good example of someone totally not interested. I'm sorry I digressed and chose to talk about cuteness and DD rather that the date himself. Point is, be interested. I am a bad example.

***
By the way, how's my artwork(s)??? =)



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Even if you'd normally avoid a dating site because you'd prefer to find people yourself, not through some online dating service, keep in mind that one way that you might find a dating site useful is if you've just moved. Finding New York singles without having to go buy a newspaper is easy with the Internet available.

I have not mentioned that my colleague, let's call him DD, has been my crush since my first day at work. He's one of the reason I am sad now I'm soon leaving the company. He's one of the few people at work I don't mind striking a small talk with.

In fact, we can have many many big talks if he likes. We can even go out for coffee and forget about small talk and make many big talks. We can talk about books and computers and cars and golf and work whatever floats his boat. He can ask me what i'm looking for a guy and i'd tell him someone like you. ha, ha!

DD would always greet me at the hallway waiting a big smile at me and trying hard to say something even if he obviously had nothing to say. He would ask why I am so early at work or whether I had lunch already or comment about me not wearing any jacket that day. Would that mean that I don't feel cold anymore. I'm fluttering and my heart never fails to turn upside down.

I want to tell him let's stop this small talk. Let's have big talk somewhere. But he is 15 years older than me, happily married and has three daughters and so I can only smile back at him and be glad that we can have small talk and he can ask about my jacket.

When he suddenly asked would I want to have a blind date with his younger brother, I didn't hesitate wishful thinking there's a another guy like him out there bound for me, younger that is. I could possibly be his sister-in-law should things go well and that's not too bad already. Not too bad.

I was wrong because he's just one and he can never have a clone and the blind date I had with his younger brother was a major disaster because the younger brother is nowhere near him. Not even half of him. This is not a suicide letter. It's not. I'm going to post a few things I learned from this blind date next time.

June 14, 2005
Seeing my boss talk in vain with a robot is happiness. It feels as good as dancing under the rain with a summer dress on.

Upon reception of my resignation letter, my boss called an impromptu meeting with me. It sure must be frustrating for him to converse with a pre-programmed robot.

Boss:Is there any way you would reconsider?
[Robot Me: My mind is set to leave sir. sorry sir.]

Boss:I can give you a counter-offer. how about increase?
[Robot Me: My mind is set to leave sir. sorry sir.]

Boss:Please reconsider. *with a sad smile*
[Robot Me: My mind is set to leave sir. sorry sir.]

Boss: You can take a short break then come back after a month.
[Robot Me: My mind is set to leave sir. sorry sir.]

June 15, 2005
An email...
Milktea, please reconsider. we can transfer you to another project if you want.

[No reply from me.]

Another email...
Milktea, I really think you should reconsider.

[No reply from me as usual. Yes, I'm rude. I only respond to blind date offers, so what?]

*****

God, am I desirable or what? This is the very first time in more than two years of keyboard-pianoing at work I feel like a goddess of all goddess.

Suddenly everyone is so nice to me. My mailbox is bombarded with emails from boss cajoling me to stay and reconsider my options. More suddenly, everyone looks like a docile puppy wagging their tails at me trying hard to please me.

I feel like Julia Roberts in my elegant dress walking at the red carpet and everyone's gaping at me extending their hands for me to touch. haha! and all it takes is one substance-less letter with a threatening statement, "I resign." How stupid was I to discover the power of this statement. Even more powerful than "purge/unpurge" command.

I only need 25 years to finally understand what sense of fulfillment really means. The time when you can just smirk at all your boss' pleas is the time you'll dig how triumphant fulfillment really is. Oops, did you just smell an air of smugness in here? Sorry, Let me put them tightly in a paperbag and keep them for myself only Ok? Only for me. =)

To all employees whose efforts are never recognized, all you need is one threat baby, one serious threat and your bosses will be chasing you like crazy fans.

To all the bosses out there, don't wait till your employee submits his/her resignation letter before you start reviving her and bombarding her with her career options. The cliche "it's never too late" is not always applicable. Stupid.

No sir, sorry sir, I'm leaving sir. Three weeks more....

***
Blind Date Update.... Ah, disappointment! I want to kill myself.

I think I know the secret to getting blind dates. There are 4 major keys to remember and if you are a searching single who can't find anybody to ask you out not even the dirty old man who employs your bestfriend and flirts with everyone else except you.

Remember there is such a thing called hope. Remember there is such a color called green. Remember there is light at the end of the tunnel. But who cares about hope and green and light when you can remember simply four things. I guarantee you'll get one blind date too.

1.) Go to work with droopy eyes.
2.) Don't blow dry your hair and leave it wimpy or frizzy depending on the weather and your shampoo for that day.
3.) Wear shabby clothes.
4.) Walk like a dead man.

At least, that's how I report to work everyday. Yes, I know it is my responsibility to at least put up a mascara to fool the people that I'm not sleepy and wear well-ironed clothes and pretend to be enthusiastic. But I am lazy. To lazy people, pretending is a burden.

Besides, if your work is to face the computer 8 hours of the day whimpering and reading blogs, you don't really need to doll up yourself, do you? You can tell the entire virtual world you're wearing a gown and you are very pretty and they will believe in you. Nobody is going to tell you, "fuck you, you are ugly." unless you post your picture.

In fact, Hey, I'm wearing a gown now. I fixed my hair for a change and I have bloody red lipstick on and I am damn sexy. =)

It's a big mystery why all of a sudden, this senior colleague of mine, whom I rarely talk to at all but exchange smiles, approached me to ask , "Hi milktea, you open to blind dates? I want to set you up with my younger brother."

When you are sleepy and suddenly faced with a colleague more senior than you, i can tell you turning down becomes as difficult as inserting a thread into a needle. So to make things easier, you politely reply, "Ugh, yes, i think i'm fine with it." even if your heart is screaming, "Not Again!!! No more blind dates. I am not interested with your brother." 

Can you tell your senior colleague that you are not interested with his brother and you think his brother is yet another twat? I can only see two possibilities here. Either he has a deranged brother whom he considers to be a very good match to me or he thinks I'm a deranged girl whom he considers to be a very good match to his brother.

But since I agreed already I decided to make a change and see who's more deranged, the brother or me? I'll go for this and see what's going to happen. At the very least, I will have something to blog about.