Buddhists Do Scratch Their Heads Too

I knew it. I am not made to take care or look after something. I am not made to be a mother of anything. I don't have the nurturing instinct in spite of my dying wish to have a baby that does not grow. I am a failure. A major failure and I'm sad. The two lucky bamboo plants my colleague gave me are all wilting from dehydration (after I left it unwatered for more than one week).

I filled the jar with lots of water this morning in the hope of reviving them and turning them back to green but to be honest, I know it's too late. That's just like asking a sick baby to swallow one bottle of paracetamol when you discover that he/she is starting to convulse and spit bubbles already. It's not gonna help the baby the same way as my panic watering is not gonna save my lucky bamboo. Now where am I going to get all my luck?

Suddenly, I began imagining myself performing a mouth to mouth resuscitation to my bamboo plant and crying and begging it to wake up. I scream, "Wake up bamboo! wake up! Do not leave me! You are here to give me hope and luck and make me feel important. Now that you're dying. What is the point of me going to work then? Wakkkeee Up!!! Wakkkeee up!!!! Waaaakkkkeeee.... up!!!!" then more sobs from me.

I know this is not gonna help either. Then again, it feels better to mourn than just ignoring the death of my lucky bamboo. My bad.

Dear Blog,

Today I went to the gym and overheard a lady inside the locker room yelling. If you are the panicky type, you will probably think with the amplified voice that somebody has fainted and needed help badly.

It turned out it wasn't. I found out from her succeeding conversation over the mobile that she needed to buy a portrait of Mother Mary since she broke hers. She went on to change to her gym clothes when I left.

Love,
Milktea

But I realized this entry is too boring. I am more than certain that most of you guys who happen to stumble upon this blog would most likely enjoy reading 1.) Gross Stuff like my black undies shrinking or 2.) Perversive Stuff like my fetish for men'ts butts. And don't deny.(Of course, that excludes IML and Jenius who make me feel love all the time.)

Hence, I have reformed my blog entry for the love of everyone else. Here goes...

Dear Blog,

Today I went to the gym and overheard a voluptuous lady yelling inside the locker room. If you are the panicky type, you will probably think with the amplified voice that somebody has stolen her victoria secrets brassiere or somebody has been plucking her eyebrows.

It turned out it wasn't. As I watched her fiddle with her hair while she talk over the mobile, I found out that she simply needed to buy a new portrait of Virgin Mary since she broke hers.

I went on to unpack my things while I watch her undress herself. I was rather aghast with the sight of her breasts which are as huge as "wilson the volleyball". I was terribly disturbed. Not by the fact that she broke her virgin mary portrait but of how she manage to carry such huge breasts everyday of her life. It's like carrying two volleyballs on your chest everyday.

A few minutes later, she changed to her gym attire and I left.

Love,
Milktea

PS. I am leaving for a week-long vacation starting tomorrow. Till then and be good.

When nearly six days have gone by and your mind still cannot come up with anything more substantial to write, then your write about your favorite black undies and of how this little black piece of clothing can make your life difficult.

Suddenly, my black undies who used to have the most perfect fit becomes a tight girdle. Looking at my belly bulges protruding at all the wrong places is almost a nightmare. Like that toothache haunting me when I was 4 years old from downing too much candies.

That being said, I surmise it could only mean two things.

1.) I have gained weight.
For those of you who don't know me that well (and I don't mean you: jenius, inmylife, techieidiot, denimfairy, fsg, daze, aberwyn, zhen...), let me reiterate that I have the most terrible issue with weight. If I were a disorder called constipation, then my excess weight would be the most dreadful thing called shit. No matter how much squeezing or water therapy or blogging I do, the shit (literally and figuratively) won't seem to get out. Unless you eat oatmeal everyday. Weight, even a pound or two, is enough to add up to my suicidal factors.

2.) My favorite black undies has shrunk.
By any means, #1 and #2, they're both depressing. Although #1 is worse than #2 in terms of emotional and egotistical perspective, #2 is certainly far more heartbreaking in the financial side. Bothersome.

Of course, I can choose 1.) to go on a diet to combat gaining weight; or 2) to splurge on a new set of undies. Even then, bothersome.  

There, that's my dilemma. Me, my excess weight and my black undies. 

Moments after I hit the post button from my previous entry, a colleague sent me an instant message asking me a few things related to our job. Note that I don't usually do this. I mean I don't usually go out telling people what me and my colleague talk about privately.

But this instance is different. Far from spilling confidential matters or anything that can cause me to get fired. Rather, it will make you guys happy and that solely is enough for me to post it even if it means losing my dignity and bearing my weak soul.

I guarantee that after reading our chat transcript your lungs will start breathing anything from oxygen to carbon monoxide. You will feel nothing but invigorated and while you raise your hands to start giving me a thumbs up sign, you will mumble to yourself, "Good for you, milktea. Good for you."

Colleague:	You heard the news that we're going to get a salary increase?
Milktea:	Nope. Where did you hear that?
Colleague:	You don't know that we're going to get an increase?
Milktea:	Yeah, no idea. So where did you get the news? Are you sure your source is reliable?
Colleague:
Milktea:	Where did you get the news?
Colleague:	What date is today?
Milktea:	Hey, I am asking you where did you get the news? *impatient*
Colleague:	What date is today?
Milktea:	Do you have any idea what coherence means? We're talking about salary here! Arrgh...
Colleague:	What date is today?
Milktea:
Colleague:	Happy April Fools Day.

Karma does run like a cheetah, no?

Incredulous is the word that would more appropriately describe how I spent my day yesterday. You won't believe me if I say I met a star at the gym last night. Someone really huge. Like the eiffel tower and the leaning tower of Pisa combined plus a few more. I couldn't believe it myself either. Until I splashed my face with a little less than a liter of cold water and a shake here and a quake there and a few rubs in the eyes that I affirmed I wasn't dreaming.

Last night at the gym, in the middle of my not-so-surprisingly tedious workout, I spotted Keanu. Yes. Keanu. Keanu Reeves. The One. Neo. The Matrix. One word: HOT. Two words: Ultra HOT. Three words: Indescribably Uber HOT. Five words: I am going to die.

Rumor has it that Keanu is gay. I don't care. As long as he looks a guy, gorgeus that is, to me, then he must be someone still worth drooling over and dying for. For this I write, Keanu, I think I am in love with you.

For a few seconds since I spotted him, everything went slomo except for him who looked real and human and meaty more than ever. He is not just another face on the boob tube this very moment I thought. With my mouth agape, He is live right in front of me sweating and lifting weights and squinting like anybody else.

Since the gym I am going to is quite an expensive one, nobody really cared to come up to him or ask him to sign anything. Everybody seemed to be so "up there", far from going berserk over the sight of a star. Everyone was composed and indifferent or possibly blind or too numb from too much stress I couldn't tell. Thing is, they're paying a high monthly fee here at the expensive gym, you wouldn't expect people who pay expensive fees who most likely work as managers or presidents some place else to go up to Keanu and go crazy like a schoolgirl fluttering in front of her crush right?

Except for me. I thought what the heck, if keanu turned me down for a picture with him, it is still one lifetime honor. I mean what are the chances that a star like Keanu would take the effort to turn you down? He could ignore you or flash a terse smile at you but turn you down? man, that's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Besides I wouldn't know it unless I tried. If he refused me, that's ok. If he accepted, the better. I should have some interesting photos to post on my blog.

Without any second thoughts, I scurried to the locker room and groped for my mobile phone (instant digital camera). Keanu, here I come. Having rubbed my palms together and fixed my imaginary collar, I went up to him and coolly said, "Hey, you're Keanu Reeves right?" People around stopped and stared at me.

He turned around and smiled.

"I know I couldn't be wrong. Can I take a picture with you?"" I almost winked at him. "After your set of course." I threw my stares at the ceiling for the lack of any more dignity-preserving sight on hand.

"Oh sure." He dropped his weights right then and there and signaled me to stand beside him. Read this. He didn't turn me down alright? He put his arms around me and gladly posed for a shot. If my heart had a vocal chord, it probably would have screamed and asked for some water.

I wanted to strike up a conversation. Kinda like testing his limits and waiting for him to turn me down. "So, you're new here?" I asked.

"yes. nice gym. I just moved in." More smiles from him.

"Yes. nice gym. nice trainers here." More foolish grins from me.

"Hey, look, I am almost done here. Mind to have a drink a little later?"

Keanu? Is this keanu? Keanu is asking me out. Am I dreaming? More shakes and more quakes and I realized I ain't dreaming. Keanu is asking me for a drink.

"Ah.. Can you wait for 30 minutes?" I replied. I didn't want to appear cheap. I am starstrucked, yes. Cheap, No. I am cool.

"Oh, I think i'll just see you around..."

"nah, I was just kidding. 2 minutes? I'll just change into something decent." How could I pass up this chance? Never mind being cheap. Cool won't make me rich.

We went out and had fun together and ...

*         Happy April Fool's Day           ;)* Please highlight this line (in between two asterisks) to find out what happened.